At the start of any relationship, it’s normal to feel swept up in excitement. Chemistry can be powerful—and confusing. But when that initial spark feels all-consuming, how can you tell whether it’s true love or just lust?

At Crescent Counseling & Coaching, many of my clients—especially those who have a history of rejection sensitivity, trauma, or anxious attachment—struggle to tell the difference between love and lust. Understanding what someone says, how they treat you, and what they consistently do can provide important clues.

Here’s how to start separating the two.

1. How They Talk to You: Words Reveal Intent

Lust: The conversation is surface-level and often focused on physical appearance, attraction, or flirting. Compliments are mostly about your body or how “hot” you are. There’s a lot of passion, but not a lot of depth. They may rush intimacy or avoid serious conversations altogether.

Love: Their words show curiosity about who you are, not just what you look like. They ask about your childhood, dreams, values, and feelings. They remember small details and check in emotionally, not just physically.

Research on emotional intimacy shows that verbal communication in loving relationships includes emotional validation, empathetic listening, and an interest in each other’s inner worlds (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Love shows up in “How was your day?” as much as in “You looked beautiful last night.”

2. How They Treat You: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Lust: They may be attentive in the moment but inconsistent over time. Plans revolve around when they’re available—or when it’s convenient for them. If you're upset or need support, they may get distant or seem uninterested. They’re present when things are light and fun, but absent when it gets real.

Love: They show up, even when it’s not easy or convenient. You feel emotionally safe with them. They care about your boundaries, show patience, and don’t push you into anything you're not ready for.

According to attachment theory, secure love is marked by dependability, responsiveness, and mutual care—especially in moments of emotional need (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). Love shows up when it’s hard, not just when it’s easy.

3. How They Make You Feel: Your Nervous System Knows

Lust: You may feel a high when you're with them—but also anxiety when you’re not. There’s a craving, a need to keep their attention, and fear they’ll pull away. Lust often leaves you feeling unsure, insecure, or emotionally drained.

Love: While there may still be butterflies, there’s also a calmness. You don’t feel like you have to chase or prove yourself. You feel respected, valued, and emotionally grounded.

Psychologists refer to this as emotional regulation through co-regulation—your nervous system responds to the safety of a stable, emotionally available partner (Coan & Sbarra, 2015; Schore, 2021). When someone truly loves you, your body often feels it before your brain can explain it.

4. How Long It Lasts: Time Is the Truest Test

Lust: Lust fades when novelty fades. If there’s no foundation beyond physical connection, emotional intimacy doesn’t grow, and it becomes harder to maintain interest.

Love: Love deepens with time. The relationship evolves, and both people grow individually and together. Even after conflict or difficult seasons, love motivates people to repair and reconnect.

Researchers studying long-term relationships have found that lasting love is supported by emotional attunement, shared meaning, and the ability to navigate conflict with repair and empathy (Gottman, 2015). Love endures novelty, because it isn’t based on novelty.

Final Thoughts: It’s Okay to Want Both

Lust isn’t bad—it’s a natural part of attraction. But when lust is mistaken for love, it can lead to heartbreak, confusion, and repeating unhealthy patterns. A healthy relationship often starts with attraction but is sustained by emotional safety, mutual respect, and consistency.

If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to people who show intense interest but disappear when things get serious, it might be worth exploring your attachment style, past wounds, or core beliefs about love. You deserve more than intensity—you deserve stability.

At Crescent Counseling & Coaching, I work with clients to unlearn these patterns and rebuild their sense of worth, so they can recognize when something is real—and when it's just a flash of what they truly deserve.

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References

• Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social baseline theory: The social regulation of risk and effort. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(4), 253–258.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
• Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
• Schore, A. N. (2021). Right Brain Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.