Unpacking Unconditional Love: Why Real Love Has Boundaries

We’re often taught that love should be unconditional—unwavering, limitless, and eternal. But in human relationships, is that always healthy?

As a therapist working with clients from Muslim, South Asian, and Middle Eastern backgrounds, I often hear, “I just want someone to love me, no matter what.” It’s a deeply human desire. But it can also reflect a misunderstanding of what healthy, secure love really is.

Unconditional love—when misunderstood—can keep us stuck in painful patterns, where love becomes more about endurance than emotional connection. Let’s explore what it truly means to love someone “no matter what,” and how boundaries not only protect relationships but also protect you.

The Myth of Limitless Love

Culturally and spiritually, unconditional love is idealized. In Islamic teachings, for example, Allah’s love (Rahmah) is described as boundless and forgiving (Qur’an 7:156). Similarly, many Christian texts speak of agape—a selfless, unwavering divine love.

But human relationships are not divine. When we expect unconditional love from parents, partners, or friends without limits, we risk crossing into dangerous territory—especially when harmful behavior is tolerated under the name of loyalty or love.

As Dr. Kristin Neff explains in her work on self-compassion, real care requires self-respect alongside empathy for others. Love does not mean allowing mistreatment or erasing your needs to preserve peace (Neff, 2011).

Boundaries: The Foundation of Healthy Love

Real love has limits—and that’s what makes it safe.

Dr. Brené Brown puts it this way: “Boundaries are simply the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously” (Brown, 2010). Boundaries clarify expectations, reduce resentment, and create emotional safety. Without them, love can quickly become enmeshment.

Examples of boundary-based love include:

• A parent who says: “I love you, but I won’t reward dishonesty.”
• A partner who says: “This behavior isn’t okay with me, and we need to talk about it.”
• A friend who says: “I care about you, and I also need space after this conflict.”

Research confirms this. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading marital therapists, found that couples who practice respectful boundary-setting and emotional regulation are significantly more likely to maintain long-term connection and satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

When Love Was Conditional Growing Up

Many of us grew up in environments where love was given based on behavior:

• Being obedient
• Getting good grades
• Suppressing emotions
• Avoiding family conflict

This is called conditional positive regard—the idea that love must be earned. Carl Rogers, a founder of humanistic psychology, warned that this leads to a fragmented sense of self (Rogers, 1959). Children internalize that they must perform in order to be worthy.

By adulthood, these beliefs show up as:

• People-pleasing to avoid rejection
• Staying in painful relationships to “prove” loyalty
• Believing that setting boundaries equals disloyalty

Attachment research also shows that children raised with inconsistent or conditional love often develop anxious or avoidant attachment styles, which impact their adult relationships (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).

Approval Is Not the Same as Love

Many clients—especially from collectivist or high-achieving cultures—mistake approval for affection. The messages sound like:

• “You’re good when you succeed.”
• “You’re lovable when you put the family first.”
• “You're worthy when you're quiet, grateful, and self-sacrificing.”

This confusion is common among individuals with rejection sensitivity, often seen in ADHD and trauma backgrounds. According to Dr. William Dodson, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) causes emotional pain from perceived rejection to feel physically intolerable—even if it’s imagined or minor.

But love that requires perfection isn’t love. It’s performance. As Dr. Paul Hewitt’s work on perfectionism shows, the pressure to always be “good” leads to anxiety, low self-worth, and relational burnout (Hewitt & Flett, 1991).

You Can Love and Still Say No

Here’s a powerful truth:
You can love someone and still walk away.

Boundaries are not a rejection of love—they’re a sign of it.

You can:

• Respect your parents while choosing a different path.
• Forgive someone and still decide not to reconnect.
• Support a loved one while protecting your peace.

Staying silent, enduring mistreatment, or abandoning your needs isn’t love—it’s often fear dressed up as loyalty. As Nedra Glover Tawwab writes, “You can be loyal without losing yourself” (Tawwab, 2021).

Culture, Faith, and Guilt: You’re Not Alone

In many Muslim, South Asian, and Middle Eastern homes, family and community are central. This can create deep inner conflict when personal needs clash with expectations. Clients often share:

• “I feel like a bad child for wanting space.”
• “I was taught that loyalty means staying quiet.”
• “If I assert myself, I’m seen as disrespectful.”

But research shows that unresolved intergenerational conflict—especially in immigrant families—leads to distress, identity confusion, and even depression (Hwang & Wood, 2009).

Loving your culture doesn’t mean abandoning your boundaries. You can hold both: love and limits, connection and individuation.

Reflection Questions

Ask yourself:

• Where have I confused approval with love?
• Do I feel guilty for asserting my needs?
• How might I begin practicing love that includes me?

Sometimes the most unconditional love we can offer is to ourselves—especially in the moments when we feel unworthy.

Final Thought: Love Without Self-Respect Isn’t Sustainable

Unpacking unconditional love means recognizing this truth:

Real love is not about what you tolerate. It’s about how you show up—with care, clarity, and compassion for yourself and others.

Boundaries are not walls. They are invitations for deeper connection—anchored in respect, not fear.

______

References

• Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden.
• Dodson, W. (2018). Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria: The ADHD Condition That No One Talks About. ADDitude Magazine.
• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
• Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456–470.
• Hwang, W. C., & Wood, J. J. (2009). Acculturative family distancing. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 46(4), 397–409.
• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
• Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperWave.
• Rogers, C. R. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality and interpersonal relationships. Psychology: A Study of a Science.
• Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.