Some people naturally step into the role of mentor, motivator, or leader in their relationships. They’re the ones friends turn to for advice, the ones who set the pace, the ones who inspire others to grow.

This can be a gift — but it also carries a hidden cost: loneliness and exhaustion.

When you’re always the strong one, it can feel like:

• You push others to be better, but no one pushes you
• People assume you already know what to do, so they don’t offer guidance
• You’re admired, but not always deeply supported

The Hidden Strain of Always Leading

Psychological research shows that leadership roles, while fulfilling, can also increase stress and isolation when support systems are lacking (Kaluza et al., 2020). Many leaders report “role overload” — carrying the weight of responsibility without having a place to set it down (Schaufeli, 2017).

For people raised in collectivist families, this dynamic can start early. Oldest siblings, children of immigrants, or those conditioned to take care of others often learn to lead before they’re ready. Over time, this role becomes an identity — one that’s hard to put down even in friendships and adult relationships. While others thrive from their guidance, they may quietly feel unseen or unsupported themselves.

Why Reciprocity Matters

Healthy relationships aren’t one-directional. They thrive on reciprocity — the give and take of emotional energy, advice, and encouragement. When reciprocity is missing, mentors can experience what researchers call “compassion fatigue” or “empathic strain” — the gradual exhaustion that comes from giving without receiving (Figley, 2002).

Finding Spaces Where You Can Also Receive

1. Seek intentional communities.
Professional masterminds, peer groups, or mentorship circles can provide spaces where leaders are also learners. Studies show that peer support reduces burnout and strengthens resilience (West et al., 2016).

2. Build relationships with depth.
Friendships that match your drive and curiosity allow you to be challenged and nourished, not just admired. Look for people who ask about your inner world, not just your achievements.

3. Practice vulnerability.
Being a mentor doesn’t mean being invincible. Sharing your doubts, questions, and struggles invites reciprocity and helps others support you. Vulnerability is linked to greater connection and trust in relationships (Brown, 2012).

Final Thought

Being the mentor doesn’t mean you don’t also need mentoring. It means your growth requires being intentional about finding the right people to walk with you.

You deserve spaces where you can lay your burdens down, feel deeply supported, and grow alongside others. Leadership doesn’t have to mean loneliness — it can mean building communities where everyone rises together.
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References

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham.
• Figley, C. R. (2002). Compassion fatigue: Psychotherapists’ chronic lack of self care. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58(11), 1433–1441.
• Kaluza, A. J., Boer, D., Buengeler, C., & van Dick, R. (2020). Leadership behavior and leader stress: The role of leadership responsibility. Journal of Business and Psychology, 35(2), 181–196.
• Schaufeli, W. B. (2017). Applying the Job Demands-Resources model. Organizational Dynamics, 46(2), 120–132.
• West, C. P., Dyrbye, L. N., & Shanafelt, T. D. (2016). Physician burnout: Contributors, consequences, and solutions. Journal of Internal Medicine, 283(6), 516–529.